|
Thursday, November 18, 2004
My Life Story IN Short
Mood:
 down
Now Playing: nothing, b/c I dont know what to do w/ myself
Topic: MISC
Caught off guard
Current mood: crappy
It finally happened... let me give u a background of my life first....
See I was born in the city, Waldo Street, to be exact. it's off of Glide, which is off of Lyell, which used to be "the good part". Obviously not anymore since Rochester has is the Third city in America with the highest crime rate. Anyways, my mom made us move to suberbia b/c she wanted better for me.
We lived with my grandmother while I went to Florence Brasser Elementary from kindergarten to about 1st or 2nd grade.... then we moved to Ohio....
We lived in Mentor Ohio for about 16 months b/c my dad had a job out there. After he lost that job, we moved back to NY, where my grandmother lives and all our friends are. Basically "home".
Then we lived in Rochester again. We like the Gates Chili area. I lived on Mercury drive and went to Disney School elementary from like 3rd to 4th grade.
THEN, we moved into the house I am in right now. I went back to Brasser Elementary and finished 4th and 5th grades. Aboutt hsi time, my father (which I despise calling him) moved BACK out to Ohio again. he said it was for business. It was supposed to be for only 6 months, but 6 months slowly turned into 3 years. My parents are STILL together. More on this later....
After that I graduated to Gates Chili Middle School. Things were really hard for me and that's when i really started having problems with depression, and with usuing mind altering substances (nothing "horrible").
I went to Gates Chili High School after the middle school. We still lived in this same house. I went through 9th grade and was having a REALLY hard time being happy. I hung out with losers, I stole things, I stoole money form my own family, I broke all the rules, and I thought about suicide all the time. I used to burn myself b/c i was too much of a wussy to handle cutting. I kept a steak knife under my bed just in case I ever had a sudden urge and I had the balls to do it. I didn't want to have any time to change my mind.
My dad came home from Ohio every other weekend, sometimes every weekend. Sometimes every two weekends. He got pretty abusive. Verbally.... but eventually physically. He picked on me ofcourse b/c I inherited his traits for being: stubborn, bossy, argumentative, determined to get a point across, and sometimes throw temper-tantrums. So we never got along. To this day, we will never get along the way he does things. He never liked me b/c I fought with him a lot. I was raised to never have to do anything I didnt want to, b/c my mom raised me the whole time since he left us and she was always trying to be her children's friends, but we know she can't discipline and do that at the same time...
My teacher called Child Protective Services one day... b/c my dad threatened me... well actually came running after me with a closed fist to bash me in the back of my head with it. I kind of deserved it b/c I threw a flashlight at his head (and missed). But he deserved it b/c he called me a dirty name and put me down for THE LAST fucking time. I didn't go to school the next day. instead I skipped and got high. She worried so she called my house and my mom told her what happened.
CPS put me in rehab. I was at Parkridge as an outpatient for 9 MONTHS! I stayed sober, damnit, besides drinking. Drinking wasn't my problem, marijuana was my "drug of choice". I could have tried to smoke and then pass my drug tests using stupid kits from E-Lab or drinking mass amounts of water or vinegar.... but I decided to give a pretty much 'sober life' a try. I was happier and my mood swings were less obvious (to others), and they were less drastic, but I still had them,a nd they still affected me. I have been diagnosed Bipolar by three different doctors. Ive been off and on medications but I say 'to hell with them! I'm too proud to take them....
After 9 months I had shaped up A LOT. I was going to therapy regularly and it helped me realize A LOT. I cried, I laughed, I threw pillows at my therapist. I swore, I screamed, and I rationalized a lot too. I stopped doing that and started being real with myself. You can say i'm a lot better off than I ever was, but boy did those days of drugs, depresseion,a nd dependancy really kick my ass! I feel like i'm already a lot older than my literal age of 16.
I stopped going to rehab b/c we couldnt pay for it anymore. I stopped going to therapy for the same reason after I felt I had gotten enough out of it. By then i was in 10th grade. 10th grade went by and I was fine. When i got out of rehab in December (last December) I started smoking pot again, THANKS to my ex-boyfriend. I didn't want to smoke again. I was happy being "sober". I forgot what it was like to even be high. i told him no, but he shoved it in my face and sparked the lighter... I decided "why not?".
I'm fine as far as smoking pot goes. In rehab I learned that I can't run away form my problems with drugs b/c they are still there in the end. I also learned that moderation is also a good thing. Smoking weed is a very tiny fraction in life. it doesnt even really matter. I use it when i get really fucking stressed out or I ahve a bad day, to relax, not to forget.
Okay well i ahve been living in this house for a total of about 7 years now. Obviously I ahve lived here through ALL the shit I have gone through. This house drives me insane, yet it is the only thing that I ahve had steadily in my life. Last year we declared bankruptcy. After that my dad lost his job in Ohio and was out of work for 15 months. he moved back in with us and hell was my home.
He just recently moved out to Ohio a few months ago. Did I mention he had an affair with another woman for about 4 years while living there? yes, he did. he claims there was no sex, but I'm telling you, he was hopelessly devoted to her. He told me about her a few days after my 13 birthday...
I've been in this hosue through sorrow, through pain, through happiness, through my virginity, through my drug issues, through over doses, etc... I carved "Life Sucks" into my bedroom wall when i was 13. It's still there obviously... I made this house mine through my experiences... AND NOW....
We have to move out by x-mas eve. They are auctioning our house off. We have known for about a year now that we were getting evicted, but I was caugt off guard today... I am really sad.
I will be moving in with my grandmother, liek the rest of my family (my mom and my little brother, age 14, who is having all the same issues i did in middle school, ONLY WORSE). My dad plans to buy another apartment in ohio. he's found another job out there. My parents are still together b/c of financial reasons... and me and my bro. My dad abuses us and puts us down, then takes us out to dinner or gives us money to make everything all better. Sad man he is...
Not to mention I was in a relationship for about 5/6 years witht eh same guy (off and on, but even off, we still always felt like we were on, and treated it that way). he got abusive at one point and i threatened to leave. he told me he was having a problemw ith cocaine, and he quit, afterwards, and sold his car, for me. he is 20 now. We aren't together. I broke upw ith him b/c he loves my personality and my ideals... but he dislikes a lot about me too, and expects me to change at his every whim. Not gonna happen dude.
So here i am. That was my life in short. tell me to have hope now, and you tell me how easy it is when you're in ym shoes. I told you I am not starving in africa, or living on the streets, or addicted to a heavy drug, but yes, I ahve had a tough fucking life. Tougher than I had ever imagined. Just when I think things get better, they get worse. Tell me to ahve hope. My parents never brought me to church. They neevr went as a couple, and we never went as a family. I wasn't raised with any religion. i was raised on The Rocky Horror Picture Show and harsh circumstances. No wonder I'm all fucked in the head.
I need someone to hold my hand.
*MeLi*
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 5:33 PM EST
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Last Few Entries from MySpace Blog...
Mood:
 sad
Now Playing: Death Cab For Cutie- Photobooth
Topic: MISC
Where is my prince charming?
Princess charming, even?
anyone?
anyone think they can treat me right?
anyone?
think they can be as into me as I am into them?
I just want to get lost in feeling and be swept away....
I want to be held, i want to be wanted, I want to feel someones lips kissing mine with passion and with feeling, I want to hold you, and I want to talk.... I want to be thought about, I want to be your desire. I want to laugh, I want someone that cares about how I feel all the time instead of just sometimes. I want someone hilarious, some one crazy, someone that will make me laugh when I am sad. Someone who, over time or even now, can read my mind with just one look at me or in my eyes. Call me a fool... but I want to be in love. Even if I date a few ppl, and none of them are IT, then i'll still enjoy the time I spend with those ppl as long as they fulfill me with all i've said here. I just hope one day I can find what I gave up a long time ago. I want to be in love.
Spoil my mind with mental stimulation,
make me yours with your affection,
and i'll stand by you forever.....
if you are seriously interested and not having sex b4 I know you are serious about me is okay with you, then please, ONLY ***GENTLEMEN APPLY!
***- gentlemen can burp and drink and be raunchy, but they are a gentlemen b/c they know when to behave and when to care.
5:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Props - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, November 15, 2004
BludWulf Show
Current mood: anxious
Sunday Nov. 28 @ 7pm
6 dollars
The Bug Jar (215 Monroe Ave)
and Primordial and Finisher
10:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Props - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, November 14, 2004
I wish I could Just make you turn around....
Current mood: crushed
turn around and see me cry....
I am so pissed off. Now i am having that fucking tight chest and throat feeling when ur all stressed out. I know I want to cry, but instead I keep it ina nd I'm a complete bitch to everyone! Why can't he just call me and tell me for himself that he is okay. Why can't he tell me he isn't dead. Why can't he tell me he is fine... I feel like scum. After 5 years of dating and supposedly meaning so much to him, why does he have to do this to me? I can tell you why, b/c i'm good for nothing and i cheated on him b/c i can't commit to him. I can't commit bc i ahve future plans and I will not be held back, and yes, he was someone who would try. I really miss him and I ahve been going out of my mind.... I just want to hold him again and tell him he's the only one i ever fucking loved and the only one that ever really knew me... at all.
the tears are comming, so now i need to smoke a cigg while i let it out. Let myself drown in my abyss of misery. GrEaT... I love doing this. People= shit, Slipknot was right.
9:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Props - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, November 13, 2004
he is a fucking asshole...
I am fucking sad...leave it to him to fuck up my groove. You know, he was "dying" and now he is all peachy! he is spitting up blood and puking up blood every time he eats something (i saw it for myself), he couldn't stand or walk, let alone hardly talk or look at anything w/out his eyes rolling back in his head... he couldn't drive or go to work... He said he didn't want to talk to me ever again after that night (after 5 years of dating) b/c:
1) he is dying and he didn't want me to see him that way
2) or remember him that way
3) i can't make him feel happy anymore
4) he knew he was going to die
OBVIOUSLY FUCKING NOT! it's been two weeks since that night and we ahven't talked. I ahve been worried sick and crying and not as happy as I could have been, b/c i was worried fucking sick about him! Tonight I called his ex-friends house to tell them that Ol Dirty Bastard Died (yes it is sad, and R.I.P ODB 11/12/04) and then we started talking about my ex and he said that he was just over there tonight, HE DROVE, and it looked like he was FRESH OUT OF WORK.... great... he's an asshole. I really want to fucking kill him. I ahve been so worried and Ileft a message and I've been calling and everything... he doesnt have the respect to tell me he's okay and in good health. What a fucking ass munch...
I guess that's what I deserve
10:52 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Props - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
SHOWS: LOCAL BANDS
Current mood: anxious
11/16
The BugJar in Rochester NY
Show starts @ 3:00pm
$6
WORLD BURNS TO DEATH (MAYBE)
STAR STRANGLED BASTARDS
KRUM-BUMS
I OBJECT
DESTRUX
BLUDWULF
11/28
Westcott Community Center in Syracuse NY
Show starts @ 6:30
$6
xscuba315x@aol.com for info
I OBJECT
DESTRUX
HAND OF GLORY
DONALD RUMSFELD EXPERIENCE
THE JURY
12/03
X-Dreams Skatepark in Henrietta
Show starts @ 6:30pm
$7
VERSE
BLUE MONDAY
I OBJECT
DESTRUX (RECORD RELEASE)
HOW WE ARE
12/11
X-Dreams Skatepark in Henrietta
Show starts @ 2pm (be there on time)
$6
punksbeforeprofits@hotmail.com for info
BLACK SS
CAPITAL DEATH (RECORD RELEASE)
MAGRUDER GRIND (RECORD RELEASE)
TERMINAL STATE
WARSQUAD
HAND OF GLORY
SPOONFUL OF VICODIN
10:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Props - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 6:23 PM EST
Sunday, October 31, 2004
YAY IT'S HALLOWEEN!
Mood:
 party time!
Now Playing: something by Primordial....
Topic: MISC
uh.... I went tot he Rotcore halloween show in webster. IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! HALLOWEEN TONIGHT!
PARTAY!
| M | Mushy | | E | Easy | | L | Luxurious | | I | Intelligent | | S | Serious | | S | Smart | | A | Adventurous |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 5:17 PM EDT
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Rememmber how you gave me shit, and I mad lemonade out of it?
Mood:
 irritated
Now Playing: Lemonade- Tsunami Bomb
Topic: PPL that deserve 2 suffer
this 25 year old guy I used to hang out with IM'd one of my dates yesterday telling him not to have sex with me when we meet and stuff and God knows what else... The guy said the SN was Roma something and I was like "OMG that is Joe's mother's SN" (he lives with his mom and delivers pizzas).
Cuz see, when I first met Joe he was really awesomely polite, he bought me cigarettes, he bought me drinks, he brought me out to a comedy club, and he smoked me up and all that good shit
i thought he was awesome that night so I fucked him cuz I was all messed up
i did it two or three times maybe
THEN I was like... wow... this guy is 25 years old, he talks to me about getting head from 14 year old girls in his neighborhood (which he did) and he goes a on child-porn websites
he's disgusting
so then besides that, I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore, that I wanted to just be friends
he got mad and calls me names and puts me downa nd makes all these sad little assumptions about me EVERY TIME it comes up
he will NOT stop begging me to fuck him
his hopes are way high
so after a few times of hanging with him as "just friends" he royally pissed me off bc he kept touching me and shit and i dont want that cuz he's gross
so we argued one night when we were supposed to go to comedy and I made him take me home
and the whole night he begged me to go to with him until we pulled in my drive-way
and EVEN THEN, he asked again
so i said no and he got scared that I might never hang out with him again
so i told him i'd go to with him the next tuesday after that night
then he lefta nd i wrote ihm an e-mail saying how i won't hang out with him
cuz if i were to tell him that then he woulda never left
so then he IM'd me and sad he understood completely what I decided
but that we will be friends and keep talking on-line but not hanging out
until i wanted to
so we were talking the last few nights since then
and he asks me about who i date and stuff
then when i tell him i get horny and i need to get laid and stuff and say I might do it to one of the lucky guys
and he calls me a whore
and he hopes i get used and rejected and shit
and keeps putting me down
so i told him last night FUCK YOU ASSHOLE pretty much...
and so then he goes and did that to get back at me for completely telling him i am never talking to him again
so read this:
Joe-
You are pathetic. You are like a fly trying to land on my food but I squashed you but you only got disabled and flew away so you can get healthier and come back and try to land on my food again. Aren't there other bowls of food you can land on? GET A A FUCKING LIFE! Roma4949 huh? I'll just IM her next time she is on or something. You could get yourself in BIG trouble buddy. You could go to jail. You are fucking with the wrong person. I would stop while you are ahead if I was you. That guy care what some IP address says to him about a girl he thinks is cool, and for your info, we are still gonna hang out, and we going to fuck unless I say so. You can make every assumption about me, but you will never know who I am. One thing that I am sure of that I AM is OUT OF YOUR LIFE PERMANENTLY. Leave me alone and leave the ppl I know alone. Don't act like a kid, or the cops will find out ALL SORTS of crazy shit. It's funny how you can want revenge on a 16 year old girl so bad when you are 10 years older than me. What does that tell you?!? GROW THE FUCK UP, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, AND STOP SMOKING POT SO MAYBE YOUR BRAIN WILL REPAIR ITSELF SO YOU CAN BE HALF-WAY INTELLIGENT.
Thanks for your time :-)
*MeLi*
Your reply will be deleted, bc I don't play silly kid games at this age. I have better things to do, like grow up to be better than the scum bag YOU are. I spit on people like you. Try and do something stupid again and we will see who feels like a loser around all the people they know....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was yesterday. Geez, I love how ppl treat me!
THIS SONG IS FOR THE PEDOPHILE!
~ Lemonade ~
Looking at you now, remember how you gave me shit,
And I made lemonade out of it
Pass me the sugar and things still won't be right!
Look what you've built, now are you proud of your deceitful quilt
Well I won't cover myself in it, the warmth has just been choking me!
Thanks! Thanks for nothing
I've taken all you got and started walking,
Not broken, still standing,
Been ripped apart, but now I'm demanding
No more shit, this is it
I am leaving for myself and no one else
So long, been swell, see you in hell!
What would you say? Can't hear
you buried in the lies that you've laid.
I'm breaking myself away from that chain, to bad you don't understand why
I'm walking away, and if you're lucky then someday I may
Possibly forgive you for all of it.
But not today, BUT NOT TODAY!
Thanks! Thanks for nothing
I've taken all you got and started walking,
Not broken, still standing,
Been ripped apart, but now I'm demanding
No more shit, this is it
I am leaving for myself and no one else
So long, been swell, see you in hell!"
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 9:43 PM EDT
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Not The Best Day of My Life...
Mood:
sad
Now Playing: No Phone- by Cake (?)
Topic: MISC
I just broke up tih my ex like... permanently... he is coughing up blood and thoriwng up blood. He goes to the doctor tomorrow. he has a feeling he'll be in the hospital a little while. This is all wonderful bc I have treated him like shit the last 5 years I've known him...cheating I mean. He can't expect me to commit to him for the rest of my life starting NOW!?! fuck that! I ahveno pity for our relationship just bc he is sick. he might be dying but I will not date him. We are too difff, he will hold me back when I am old enough to take charge of my life entirely, and he has too much baggage. It's not worth it. Plus, would I want to ahve the kids of a man who has epilepsy, and is probably getting emphysema, or might be killed somebody (don't even ask).
Anyways,I have been dating. I have met dated 4 people, 2 of which I was familiar with from my past. The first is a booty call type, the other a guy I am really intruiged with but not so much head-over-heels but really adore him, and the third maybe some relationship potential like the other, and the fourth, another with potential relationship signals. lol I sound like a dating pathologist! Yeah well I have a date Tuesday witht he one I adore so much. He's really sweet and really cute n good lookin. he plays guitar, I forgot which one tho... I'll be his groupie. I need to go to sleep.
*MeLi*
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 9:48 PM EDT
Thursday, October 21, 2004
FiNaL wAsTe Of InK
Mood:
sad
Now Playing: Against All Odds- The Postal Service
Topic: DuDeS
Silly Boy-
I dont know why I was so fucking stupid. I hate what I did, and i fucking hate you. I had such a crush on you and you knew it, but instead of trying to get to know me, you used my vulnerability to use me once and then fuckin never talk to me again. To be honest when I first said "have some fun" I didnt mean sexually, but since you took it that way and I figured you were better than THIS, I did it. This is what i get for trusting you. I hate how sexy you are and I hate how you ignore me. I only wanted to make you happy, then I'd be happy. I regret sleeping with you. I didnt know you were such a deuche bag. You deserved that middle finger, and you can shove evry note I have ever written to you up your ass. I can't believe you fucked me over. I thought you were better than that. I had faith in you. I know I got a little too clingy and annoying, but that's b/c I REALLY LIKED YOU. You ruined it. Congratulations dickhead! I want to punch you in your perfect smile! I hate this. It's hard for me to get over you when I dont know why you stopped talking to me. You dont even have the decency to tell me WHY! You cant be proud of yourself for hurting an innocent girl that only wanted to give u her all. I know guys do this, but I really didn't want to believe that Andee Mancuso could be so cruel. I hope you are happy b/c now I probably feel the way you did when ur ex girlfiend put you through hell. i'm telling you I would have done better than her, but i guess u are too into yourself to give a damn about anyone's feelings. You'll get what you deserve in life soon enough. FUCK YOU!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
That was a letter I wrote to "you know who", but never gave it too him bc i figured it was just a waste of ink. So I labeled it "the final waste of ink" and decided I'd keep this letter and burn the rest I was too shy to give him. Don't get me wrong he has about a couple from previously b4, but he probably never read them...
why the FUCK can't you LOVE me ?!?
Neat huh?
well i need to poke smot and a cigg and masterbate and go to bed... night yall
*MeLi*
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 12:28 AM EDT
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Previously on "My Life Is A Steaming Pile of Shit"...
Mood:
 quizzical
Now Playing: Against All Odds by: The Postal Service
Topic: DuDeS
My other blog has failed me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, October 3, 2004
Foolish Games
Mood: down
Now Playing: "Foolish Games"- by Jewel
Topic: dude issues
I am so upset. I don't even know what the hell to say. I fell head over heels for a boy that doesn't even give a damn about whether i exist or not. He just wanted a "one time thing!". So now what? Am I supposed to find someone else? Am I supposed to try and match this with another beautiful angel? How can I? I feel like I ahve been thrown away like a used condom in the garbage can. Yeah, I was used. Thanks to Andee. I guess I just have to get my shit together and try to find a new love interest. Sad for Andee, but he doesn't know what I am or what I could be for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That would have been my first entry...
Composed by kissmytearzawy06
at 8:53 PM EDT
Newer | Latest | Older
|
